I've always had really random and weird dreams since my teenaged years... I'm sure I'm not the only one with these kind of dreams, but they have been getting more random and weirder these past years. My younger bro said that's because I'm getting the same, more random and weirder. Perhaps. Haha.

I had a dream recently that I can't seem to shake, along with the feelings that came along with it. Here, I'll try to convey the dream as accurate as possible.

The dream started off with me, a former friend and my younger brother in my old neighbourhood area. Me and that said friend were probably in our teens, and my younger brother was maybe about 10 years old.

Just so you know, my younger brother looked like below when he was that age. So cute, right? I love my younger brother. :)

So, in my dream, we were playing hide and seek, and my younger brother was the seeker. We started off at one corner of the void deck of block 205 in Marsiling Drive, and while my younger bro was counting to 20, me and the said-friend ran off to hide. We walked all the way to the lift of block 206 and went up to the sixth floor, and started walking down the stairs.

It felt like it could've been quite a bit of time where we spent standing and chatting at one of the stairwell areas (probably at the third storey) looking out to the playground in front of us. Then I said to my former friend that we'd better go and find my younger bro. At this point, I had started feeling a bit of guilt for running away so far and forgetting about him. :(

We were at the last few steps of the staircase before the ground floor when we met with my younger brother. He pointed at us and said, without much excitement, "Ah, found you." I looked at him and saw that his eyes were red and he had tears all over his face. My heart broke right there. I asked him, "Why were you crying?" And I felt so guilty that he was searching for us for so long and couldn't find us.

At this point he had stopped crying, and was saying things to make it seem like he wasn't crying, and tried to seem nonchalant. This broke my heart more.

I apologised to him and promised him that I'd buy him some cookies and cream ice cream (his favourite!) to make up for what happened, after we went to play at the playground. He immediately cheered up and said, "Okay!" while smiling that cute childish smile of his. Inside, I was still feeling guilty as hell.

We went to the playground and my former friend watched as me and my younger brother were playing the seesaw, where for some unknown reason my younger brother managed to balance me out on his end.

It was at this point when I woke up, and I felt even more guilt for not being able to carry out my promise of buying him ice cream. I tried to daydream the rest of the scene, but I couldn't as my mind was stuck at the playground ending and was feeling all the heart pain and guilt for letting down my 10 year old younger brother.

I began to think about all the times I wasn't a nice elder brother to him back when I was younger, and I really hated myself for the mean things I did to him. When I was a teenager, I wasn't even remotely a nice person at all, and sometimes some of that angst was directed at my younger brother. I have always felt guilty about this since then, and this dream brought all the guilt and shame together all at once, in one sitting.

Oftentimes I wished I could've done things so much differently, but sometimes I wonder if the so-called "tough love" was necessary (although not all the mean things I did to him was that) to make him a good person in general. Most of the times, I just wished that I could've handled things better, and not get all the stupid anger into my actions.

Other times, I know I shouldn't regret the things I've done 'cause those past actions were those that brought me here right now, at this point, a much nicer (in my own opinion anyway) person who tries to do nice things to people around him, and always try to help those who have asked me for help. Maybe if I hadn't been such an ass of an elder brother, especially when the times didn't call for it, I wouldn't be here right now, trying to do much better. I'm just glad that I am able to now see the differences, and am not stuck back in the old, younger me. I wasn't a good person. At all.

I'm unsure why my former friend was there, though, even until now. Why was he there in the supporting role, where he didn't even actually do anything in the dream? I haven't been able to give a suitable, satisfying reason to it yet.

I lied on the bed, thinking about things for some time after that. The dream stayed with me the whole day. (And several days after, in fact.)

It was still fresh with me that day when I hobbled off to the doctor, on my crutches, while I was in excruciating pain.