Let's talk about love for a bit. This kind of entry won't come often 'cause this is another one of those things that I'm embarrassed to be declaring publicly. I'll most probably post another entry right after this one, just so that this won't be the first thing you see when you reach my blog. I'm weird that way.

Back to the topic at hand... I've never been lucky in love. I find that I often fall for those who are uninterested, unavailable, and some who are downright unattainable. Do I do it on purpose? Am I psychologically sabotaging any kind of happiness I might get? I really don't know and don't want to think about it. I'm sure there are millions of reasons why the human psyche (especially my own) purposely seek to torture itself.

There are times when I don't think I will ever find someone, and I will end up alone until I grow old and/or die, whichever comes first. It gets really depressing. It doesn't help that my esteem level has always been down in the dirt, and I've never found myself being able to pick it up. This also, of course, ties with my weight issues, which... Well, I don't want to go there again... But this is really beginning to feel like that entry, part two.

Apart from my unhappiness with my physical body, I don't think I'm all that bad, if I'm really honest. I mean, I'm not funny all the time, but I have my moments. I'm not all that dull that people will fall asleep talking to me. This really depends on the topic, of course, but I believe I can carry on a conversation alright and not make the other person want to commit harakiri while I talk. I admit that I'm not the most interesting person in the world, but I think I'm rather conversational and witty, at times.

Even though I'm never going to be the most eligible bachelor with the toned muscular body and six pack and the works, I'm sure I'd make a good boyfriend. Or rather, I won't be a sucky one. Granted, I don't actually have much experience in this area, but I know how to be a decent human being, and I think I'm generally nice. I think I know how to treat a person right, and I'm matured enough not to be making mistakes all the time, while childish enough to be fun with. Of course it's easy to say all this while not in a relationship, and I'm sure it's so much harder while being in one, but I'd definitely like to at least have one.

My whole point is, I'm not quite the loser. So, why am I still alone?

It's not that I'm desperate or anything, but things around me have just been making me wonder about these issues. I'm not exactly in a rush to have a relationship, or am I even looking for one at the moment. But to not have anything happen at all? I can't help but to feel... Rejected. Dejected.

Unwanted.

So, what do I want though? I want to be working again, while studying. I want to study well and get good grades. I want to get my driving license, which I've been putting off taking for ages. I want to like someone who likes me back. I want to lose weight. I want to be happy with who I am. I want to have someone. I want to be occupied all the time so that I'm not left alone with my thoughts. I want to have time to think about things that matter, while being occupied so that I'm not left alone with my thoughts. I want to be happy. I want to be at peace. I want to be appreciated. I want to feel wanted. I want to not feel like crap all the time. I want to be healthy. I want to be thinner. I want to be anorexic. I want to not eat so much. I want to have friends who are there for me. I want to have people that I can count on. I want to be able to be there for my friends. I want to be able to help others. I want to want to help others. I want for the emptiness to end. I want to not have to think all the time. I want to not have to help everybody all the time even when I want to help them. I want someone to help me for once. I want to not be so selfish. I want to be more selfish. I want to think of myself more often 'cause I really don't. I want to not feel guilty when I'm thinking of myself instead of others. I want to be loved.

And I want to stop liking someone who is uninterested, unavailable and unattainable. It really hurts to keep feeling this way, knowing that the feeling is unrequited. When everything she does and say to me makes me think she could be interested even though I know she don't mean it the way I wish she does. Why can't I switch these feelings off? Why do I even have them in the first place? Why do I feel happy everytime I hear her voice? Everytime I see her face? Why do I feel lifted when she speaks to me when I didn't even know I was feeling down to begin with? Why the hell am I crying? Why can't I find someone who likes me? What is wrong with me? Why do I keep feeling like I'm not going to get to grow old? Why doesn't she like me? Why does she make me happy without even trying? Is this love? How can I love someone who I don't even really know? Why are these feelings so persistent? How do I make them go away? Do I want them to go away? Why do I want to be friends with her? Why is everything so confusing? Why doesn't she know I am so infatuated with her? Why is she attached? Why am I still happy that she at least has someone? Why do I hope that her relationship with him lasts? Why do I wish for her happiness when I've really got nothing to do with it, or really with anything in her life?

How about me? When am I going to be happy?