Very recently, while I was in the midst of studying for my exams and rushing my projects, I found out about something.

What I found out early that one morning really surprised me initially, and while I was somewhat sorry for the people involved that it had happened, I was also quite excited. I searched and found confirmation and I felt my heart beating rather fast. It is even now, as I type these words.

Then logic started to kick in and my brain started functioning properly again. I thought about what could happen if I did anything at all. And I got terrified. I've been down this road before and it didn't end to a happy place.

I felt like if the same thing happens again, the heartbreak might kill me. I almost broke down that morning, thinking about it.

Nobody really knows how much these feelings have been affecting me, and some think of it as just an infatuation. Sometimes, I wish I didn't feel this way, just so that I can be at peace. Othertimes, I feel happy feeling this way.

But I know. I think that... I'm confident. I'm 99% confident that it is unrequited. Yet again. But, the past, while it had taught me much, is not at play here. And I know I shouldn't keep comparing the two instances, and linking one to the other. I know what happened then might not happen again, but I also know that I cannot delude myself.

If there's any chance, any sign at all, that it isn't unrequited? Then I will definitely do something about it. But there isn't any. In fact, all signs point otherwise. And I'm not sure if I've been reading too much into them, but it seems like someone else has already gotten to the place that I long to be in.

Should I risk to confirm or belay my suspicions and finally make it 100%? Is it better to not know for sure what I suspect to be true just so I can cling onto that little ray of taunting hope? And damn, how it taunts me. I can't keep doing this to myself!

And still, I cannot believe that I'm doing this to myself yet again. Everytime I think, "Dammit, I should just let it out and find out for certain. Then maybe I can find peace!", I stop and think of the possible outcomes. One brings a smile and I stil alone grinning to myself like a lunatic.

The other, more plausible, outcomes brings me to the edge of breakdown. I haven't as yet, but I feel it nears. Why must I feel so strongly? Why am I such a coward? It would be so easy to tell you how I feel, wouldn't it?

All logical reasonings along with all that I have witnessed tell me that I possibly have none of a shred of a chance. I would rather a friendship than none at all. However it hurts, I think if I lose that ray of hope, albeit taunting, I would lose it. Why do you mean so much to me?

And my early morning ended with me feeling utterly sad and dejected, knowing that nothing will happen.