Mom brought in the mail today. I got a letter from NUS. I looked at the envelope and I braced myself for disappointment. In fact, a look at the envelope itself brought disappointment. 'Cause I received one like that before, and I equate thin envelopes with rejection.

Which was exactly what I got. A rejection letter. The standard "We are sorry to inform you that your application was unsuccessful" letter.

First reaction, anger. Why? I don't know. Angry at myself that I didn't do well enough to get a placement? Angry at NUS for not giving me a chance? Angry at the world? God, what am I, 17? I should know better than to be angry. But anger wasn't by choice. It just happened.

And my parents knew better than to approach me about it. I received a rejection letter years ago when I applied for Mass Communications (I don't even know why I wanted to go into Mass Comm now, but I really did wanted it then) and I blew my temper at everyone around me. Mom, Dad, brother. Dad especially because he just bloody didn't know how to back off.

But I am still pissed. I got over it just now by just not thinking about it. Denial? Second stage, I suppose. I really don't want to face it. Don't want to process the information. Just receive data, understand, let go. Forget about it. Not the end of life. Move on.

The first thing I did after I read the letter was to order pizza. Comfort food, my brain reasoned. Or I just wanted to sabotage my body again. Got 2 medium pizzas, garlic bread, 5 jumbo chicken wings and Pepsi. Not just for myself, of course, but I didn't tell anyone I was getting pizzas.

Kept myself occupied. Thought about it a bit, then distracted myself, then thought about it a bit more. Move on, I said. So what you didn't get in.

I told myself, just in case you still have a chance, try the online appeal when it's available starting 30th May. Doesn't hurt to try. But don't kid yourself. Get a back-up plan. Should've gotten one before, but things just didn't register then. UniSIM? SMU? Not as "prestigious" as NUS or NTU, but who really gives a fuck?

Funny thing is, I never really wanted to bother studying anyway. My reason was to please Mom and Dad. But I never really could handle rejection well.

So what do I do now? I really don't want to think about it yet. I'll procrastinate. Give me time.

Here's the thing, though. If you know me in real life? Don't start a conversation with me about this topic. I really really really don't want to talk about it. In fact, I didn't want to blog about it either, but I felt like I needed to just get it over with, so that I have something about this to look back on.